What happens when you’re willing to give up who think you are … for who you can be

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I get such joy from coaching people who readily “take the leap” to strengthen their Leadership Presence.

This is a love letter to those people.

You’re the people ready to learn new things, open to feedback and willing to try out new behaviors. Internally, we call you ”R.O.W.” — Ready, Open, and Willing.

You’re willing to find out what’s not working for you and replace those behaviors with what brings out your best.

For example, you’ll replace an expressionless face for a soft smile, or an upspeak habit with a warm downward inflection. 

You’ll take the leap even when the new behavior feels awkward, or hard to do. You choose whether to keep it after you watch your video to see how it affects your presence.

And hey, Spoiler Alert: You’re the people who have the most powerful breakthroughs in the program and sky-rocket in your careers and life afterward!

Be willing to be bad in the beginning. Be willing to be uncomfortable.

So…what happens when you’re willing to give up who you think you are for who you can be?

You go further, faster. And fly higher.

Greetings, Fellow Citizens of Earth. I bring you leadership lessons from a crisis a century ago.

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As we weather this pandemic, our connections will see us through, whether we’re 6 feet apart, on social media, or in a video call.

We need leaders everywhere with smarts, who care about our well-being.

Leaders who create connection.

Leaders like Ernest Shackleton.

Shipwrecked in Antarctica in 1915, Shackleton’s leadership presence kept his team together in a survival story lauded by historians as “incredible.” The book is a great read.
True leaders embody what they believe. Their leadership approach radiates from their body language.

In Shackleton’s time, other expeditions were also shipwrecked in Antarctica. All but his lost many lives to starvation and violence among the crew.
Shackleton’s ship the Endurance, crushed in the ice.
Photo by expedition photographer Frank Hurley.
Shackleton was able to not only keep all his men alive — he kept them happy and content — while stranded on the ice for more than 18 months.
Shackleton’s crew playing a game on the ice while shipwrecked.
Photo by expedition photographer Frank Hurley.
Based on biographies about him, it’s clear Shackleton led through his presence. There’s no doubt his crew looked to him constantly for clues as to what their future might hold. At all times, he gave off a sense of confidence and optimism that they’d survive.

Like Shackleton, your leadership presence is now more important than ever, whether you’re dealing with the new realities of working 100% virtually, managing kids at home, or on the front lines of battling the pandemic.

So I encourage you to use these skills and behaviors to be like Shackleton:

Leadership Presence Creates Connection

A relaxed, open, still body says

“I’m not afraid. I’m confident in my abilities.”

A relaxed face / soft smile and light humor (what I call “beachballs”) says

“We’re going to get through this.”

Confident, meaningful gestures say

“I have a clear idea I want to convey.”

A matter of fact tone and downward inflection say

“These are the facts. Let’s act accordingly.”

Speaking in above average volume says

“This is important.”

Direct eye contact says

“I see you as a person, not a number or a threat.”

Using someone’s name says

“You’re important to me.”

Bottom lining information says

“This is the thing to remember.”

Lead to connect, and don’t touch your face! (picture taken BEFORE the virus outbreak!:)


Pat Kirkland
Pat Kirkland Leadership
If you haven’t guessed, I love coaching people to strengthen their leadership presence.

Hands down, it’s palm up

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You outstretch your hand toward someone in a meeting or presentation. “Yes, Amit, you have a question?”

Is your palm up, or down, or are you pointing with your finger?

Does it matter?

As it turns out, it does. Research shows palm up is most effective.

It’s somethng I’ve coached people on for years. And I recently came across information that helps me better understand how and why it works.

One of my favorite books is Super Better by Jane McGonigal.   In it, she notes that from ancient, pre-language times, holding a hand out with the palm up indicates a welcome, and an offer of help. A palm down, however, is a negative, a rejection.

And, Allan Pease in his Ted Talk  Body language, the power is in the palm of your hand” (from about 5:30 to 10) explains and demonstrates the power of the upturned palm significantly impacts vs the downturned palm and the pointed finger.  Using the same content, he notes that the research shows that direction given with palms up can be 40% more effective in terms of audience retention and engagement than downturned palms. Audiences recall less of what speaker say when the speaker points.

So what does this have to do with Leadership Presence?

Gesturing with your palm up conveys that you welcome and support the listener — that they are “in good hands” with you. it’s one the micro behaviors that make you appear open, approachable, and able to create connection between you and other people.

In the coming week, notice what palm position you and others use most often. When gesturing toward another person, do you do it with your palm up, your palm down, or do you point? Watch what other people do … and notice your response to them. 

If you tend to point or gesture with your palm down, start mapping in the palm up approach.. 

Want to learn more? Check our open enrollment program schedule — or contact us about setting up a program for your organization!
Quest on!

Why Lily Myers’ “Shrinking Women” poem went viral.

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In the spring of 2013 at a college slam poetry invitational, a 20 year old sophomore named Lily decided, in the last 20 seconds before going onstage, to perform a poem she wrote about learning how to not take up too much space in the world, how to “filter,” how to accommodate. She’d noticed that she tended to start a lot of her questions in class with “Sorry,” and that the women in her family tended to “shrink” — to eat so little that they got smaller over time, while the men grew larger.  So she wrote about it, and found the courage to say it aloud.

Watch her performance below or HERE.

Evidently the poem struck a nerve with some people. With a lot of people, actually, because it very quickly went viral and was viewed by more than 3 million people in less than a year’s time.

Here’s why we think it went viral…

We coach people every day who believe they should not show up “too loud” or “too big,” should not take up space, should apologize for their opinions.  To be clear, these are educated, professional people who are in truth very, very competent.

And, while we meet men who do this, we find the issue to be far more common among women.

Lily talked about her poem and her observations in an interview with THE SISTERHOOD:  “I used eating in this poem as a way to show a more ingrained way we shrink. Frustrated with ways I would shrink. I would not say something that was on my mind, not take control of a situation. I saw other women around me doing the same thing.”

We don’t pretend to know why so many people, women especially, feel they can’t show up as their authentic selves.  Certainly cultural conditioning must play a role, and there is likely someone in the past who gave  the message — unspoken or overtly — that they needed to watch their step, not show up with authority.

What we do know is how to help people find their way to step into their personal power by becoming more of who they are — their authentic self — and by showing up in a way that shares power with others in what we call “PARTNER” mode.

The first step is to be willing to speak up.  Like Lily did.  Except, she almost didn’t.

As she told Robin Young and Jeremy Hobson of the PBS show HERE & NOW,  “I hadn’t decided that I was going to read that poem until about 20 seconds before I went onstage. Actually, you can – I’m closing my eyes at the beginning….And I’m kind of deciding.”

Yes, we saw you doing that Lily.  What was the hesitation about?  “I was feeling small at the time… and I was thinking, “People are going to think that I don’t like men.”

Well, you see, there’s the classic dilemma for strong smart women.  Do you speak up and risk being seen as “pushy,” “opinionated,” and “strident?”  Or do you hold your tongue and come across as “weak,” “timid,” or “wishy-washy” and “too accommodating?”  You do have another option: “Partner” — respecting others’ opinions as strongly as you respect your own. And being courageous enough to voice those opinions without putting yourself or the other person down.

She said this about her decision to go ahead:  “….one of my very best friends, who is a very inspirational poet and was our slam coach, really encouraged me to do this poem. She was like, Lily, you just need to do it. This is what people need to hear.”

Since the video went viral, Lily reports that she’s heard from people all over the world with whom it struck a chord.  And she told her NPR interviewers it’s making a difference for her, too.  “More day-to-day, I find myself speaking up a lot more when I’m uncomfortable. I say it now because it’s true. I didn’t use to identify as a feminist because people don’t like that word or judge, but now I think it means equal rights for everyone and I’m not going to apologize. It feels good to not shrink anymore in that way.”

We are so pleased for Lily and wish her all the best.  She continues to write and explore the world, saying: “I write a lot about women or growing up as a woman, the contradictions and challenges, but also the joy. It’s a theme I find endlessly interesting.” 

You can find her writing and more on her blog, THE SHAPES WE MAKE, created with her colleague Kate.  They note that “Lily is an accomplished slam poet, beautiful singer, and wonderful starfruit” while “Kate is a graceful dancer, published novella author, and radiant strawberry.”

Don’t ever shrink, Lily and Kate.  Dare to be big!